Rules for your license to the social internet.
There need to be some new rules in this day and age. Social networks are here to stay aren’t they, god fucking dammit. It has become too easy to stalk people with them and that alone will keep the masses flocking to the cess pools that they are becoming. People don’t give a fuck really what they are putting out there on them from what you are eating for lunch or when 12 hours later you are shitting it out on the toilet.
There need to be a few fucking rules that need to be added to getting a license for social networks. Think that licenses will never be needed for the internet. HAHAHAHA you’re so fucking cute and stupid, what are you a Barbie doll?
How about we address rules for your profile picture.
Hey fucktard, this is a personal profile isn’t it? You aren’t your fucking kids, your car, your parents or your spouse. This is supposed to be a fucking social site and you are out to connect with other people right? So why the fuck are you using a picture other than yourself for your profile? And you know that profile pictures are usually quite small and lack detail? Of course you didn’t, dumbass.
Ok you love your kids we get it (there is a fucking post right there in itself.) You are fucking happy that they haven’t died today from them being dumbasses and you are happy that you haven’t kill them. At least yet, you are slowly killing them everyday and they will need a shrink in 20 years. Good job. You do not have the right to portray yourself as your kids. They are their own person. You cannot relive your childhood. Tough shit, you are a parent now. Nothing more looks like a giant bag of douche like seeing a post about how fucking drunk you are or the level of stupidity you are achieving today right next to a picture of the sweet innocent face of a 5 year old. The internet has the possibility of keeping this shit around for the rest of time. And associating your drunken fuckfest that leads to the spawning of another child with the face of your previous spawn will lead to First Spawn needing more time at the shrink. Trust me, kids can count, they will figure out that Brother Billy was born 9 months after that posting.
Ok so you wanna show off your new car (or insert any other piece of property.) We get it. We all like to show off. We are all greedy materialistic bastards at heart. It is part of being human. But fuck, there are limits to this douchebaggery. Posting up a pic of your car, cool, neat, got it. But fucking setting it as your profile pic, jebus christoff, that takes some real douchedom. Also, included in this category is having a pic showing off money, jewelry, or a new body part (natural or fake) without the face showing. You are just being a vain piece of shit.
Something that has been happening more and more is this bullshit of changing your profile pic to your mom, dad or someone else you admire/respect. Yes we know you love your mama (she didn’t have facebook to sully your image at the age of 5.) But again, this is like having your kids as your pic. We don’t know what the fuck your mom looked like at 20 (there is one exception to this rule, was your mom hot at 20, if so, then thank you and keep adding more pictures.) So we have zero clue who it is and your homage is really lost. You wanna fucking honor your mom? Call her up and tell her you love her again out of the blue on some Thursday. How about sending her boutique of daisies with a card saying “do you remember when I was gone for those couple hours at 9 yrs old that had you freaked out, well I time traveled and just told myself to send you flowers.” Has she passed away? Go clean her gravesite, lay on the grass next to her stone, look at the blue sky and smile at the good memories. But again, you are not your mom and there are better fucking ways to say I love you than changing your profile pic and confusing everyone else. This goes for dads, other family members, members of the armed forces or others in the line of peril. There is one time that it is allowed to break this rule, when this someone was recently lost. We aren’t heartless bastards. We can allow the time to grieve.
Ok, yes yes, you love your spouse. How lovely your marriage and all that shit is. But fuck a duck, you know what is fucking aggravating to no end? When you want to send a message or similar to your friend and you can’t fucking tell if it is him or her from a quick look to the pic. You see both of them in the pic. You want to be more annoying, make sure that your spouse is more of the focus of the picture. You want to step once more for beyond plunger handle up your ass annoying? You and your spouse use the same pic. Fuck me the only thing more scary in this world is when you and your spouse wear matching track suits out to breakfast on Saturday mornings.
Now remember these fucking rules. We will be doing everything possible to make sure that they are punishable by breaking of fingers once the licenses are issued.