What the fuck? Is this the interwebs or a maternity ward?
Is it time for another rule for the Internet License? Fuck yes it is.
You know what happens when you are in your mid 30s and you have a facebook account? Well it seems it is TMI land when it comes to bitches’ pregnancies.
Dear pogosticking christoff, why the hell do you need to broadcast every step of the pregnancy? We don’t fucking care if you having morning sickness (unless if I hate you secretly or if I know you are one of those too stupid types that couldn’t use a condom to save your uterus, then I do laugh, sometime inside and sometimes out.) We don’t need to see the ultrasound pics as your fucking profile pic (breaking other rules with that one.) We don’t want to know about the cravings or the hate for things. Do not fucking bitch about your baby daddy either. Lord knows that poor bastard is dealing with enough already with your moody ass. Yes yes, we know your back hurts. You have got fucking fat in the last 6 months. DUH you dumbass!
If you are on kid number 2 or more and if you had a horrible pregnancy the first time around and this one is following suit? You are dumb and you deserve the pain and torture.
When the time is about on hand, we can understand the true hell that you are now going through. The last few weeks of a pregnancy is truly hell. None of us are going to deny that. Everything is being pressed to its limits. But god will strike your ass down if you start to fucking complain that the kid isn’t coming fast enough so you can get out of work or other things. It is ok to think that way or to actually use it as an excuse, but if you are fucking broadcasting it on the internet. May you have 37 hours of labor without the use of drugs.
If you are one of those types that are too good for a hospital birth or think that the use of drugs is wrong. Good for your little hippy self. We don’t fucking care. You are stupid. Ok going without drug is understandable, but birthing in a kiddie pool on the floor of your bedroom with the nearest emergency room more than 5 minutes away is just Grade F failure. If you are tweeting the step by step advance of the labor, you are earning yourself so many musical toys for your spawn, the especially loud ones.
Once that kid is out. We can handle the posting of the sweet innocence that is your kid for a couple months. But we do not need the fucking monthly birthdays for the kid with cute little pictures for 36 months. Keep that shit more private with people that actually fucking care. You don’t need to spam the 200 people in your list with Susie’s first little pink dress or Bobby’s first trip to see that priest that loves the choir boys.
You do not need to post about your milk coming in or how much pumping you have to do or how engorged you are. This is like a guy talking about how big of a shit he took after eating 2 pizzas, a burger, brat and 8 beers the night before. You want society to consider breast feeding to be a natural function of life. Ok we can respect that but really allow it to be just something that happens not something that needs to be broadcasted.
And when you name your kids, choose something that means something or at least isn’t going to lead your kid down the path of torture. We need more Jacks and Sams and we need a whole lot less Aidans and Taylors. If you name your daughter with a stripper name, I am going to make sure to fill her G-string with plenty of extra dollar bills. So you know, any name ending with the letter I is a stripper name, period.