What the fuck? Is this the interwebs or a maternity ward?
Is it time for another rule for the Internet License? Fuck yes it is.
You know what happens when you are in your mid 30s and you have a facebook account? Well it seems it is TMI land when it comes to bitches’ pregnancies.
Dear pogosticking christoff, why the hell do you need to broadcast every step of the pregnancy? We don’t fucking care if you having morning sickness (unless if I hate you secretly or if I know you are one of those too stupid types that couldn’t use a condom to save your uterus, then I do laugh, sometime inside and sometimes out.) We don’t need to see the ultrasound pics as your fucking profile pic (breaking other rules with that one.) We don’t want to know about the cravings or the hate for things. Do not fucking bitch about your baby daddy either. Lord knows that poor bastard is dealing with enough already with your moody ass. Yes yes, we know your back hurts. You have got fucking fat in the last 6 months. DUH you dumbass!
If you are on kid number 2 or more and if you had a horrible pregnancy the first time around and this one is following suit? You are dumb and you deserve the pain and torture.
When the time is about on hand, we can understand the true hell that you are now going through. The last few weeks of a pregnancy is truly hell. None of us are going to deny that. Everything is being pressed to its limits. But god will strike your ass down if you start to fucking complain that the kid isn’t coming fast enough so you can get out of work or other things. It is ok to think that way or to actually use it as an excuse, but if you are fucking broadcasting it on the internet. May you have 37 hours of labor without the use of drugs.
If you are one of those types that are too good for a hospital birth or think that the use of drugs is wrong. Good for your little hippy self. We don’t fucking care. You are stupid. Ok going without drugs is understandable, but birthing in a kiddie pool on the floor of your bedroom with the nearest emergency room more than 5 minutes away is just Grade F failure. If you are tweeting the step by step advance of the labor, you are earning yourself so many musical toys for your spawn, the especially loud ones.
Once that kid is out. We can handle the posting of the sweet innocence that is your kid for a couple months. But we do not need the fucking monthly birthdays for the kid with cute little pictures for 36 months. Keep that shit more private with people that actually fucking care. You don’t need to spam the 200 people in your list with Susie’s first little pink dress or Bobby’s first trip to see that priest that loves the choir boys.
You do not need to post about your milk coming in or how much pumping you have to do or how engorged you are. This is like a guy talking about how big of a shit he took after eating 2 pizzas, a burger, brat and 8 beers the night before. You want society to consider breast feeding to be a natural function of life. Ok we can respect that but really allow it to be just something that happens not something that needs to be broadcasted.
And when you name your kids, choose something that means something or at least isn’t going to lead your kid down the path of torture. We need more Jacks and Sams and we need a whole lot less Aidans and Taylors. If you name your daughter with a stripper name, I am going to make sure to fill her G-string with plenty of extra dollar bills. So you know, any name ending with the letter I is a stripper name, period.
Rules for your license to the social internet.
There need to be some new rules in this day and age. Social networks are here to stay aren’t they, god fucking dammit. It has become too easy to stalk people with them and that alone will keep the masses flocking to the cess pools that they are becoming. People don’t give a fuck really what they are putting out there on them from what you are eating for lunch or when 12 hours later you are shitting it out on the toilet.
There need to be a few fucking rules that need to be added to getting a license for social networks. Think that licenses will never be needed for the internet. HAHAHAHA you’re so fucking cute and stupid, what are you a Barbie doll?
How about we address rules for your profile picture.
Hey fucktard, this is a personal profile isn’t it? You aren’t your fucking kids, your car, your parents or your spouse. This is supposed to be a fucking social site and you are out to connect with other people right? So why the fuck are you using a picture other than yourself for your profile? And you know that profile pictures are usually quite small and lack detail? Of course you didn’t, dumbass.
Ok you love your kids we get it (there is a fucking post right there in itself.) You are fucking happy that they haven’t died today from them being dumbasses and you are happy that you haven’t kill them. At least yet, you are slowly killing them everyday and they will need a shrink in 20 years. Good job. You do not have the right to portray yourself as your kids. They are their own person. You cannot relive your childhood. Tough shit, you are a parent now. Nothing more looks like a giant bag of douche like seeing a post about how fucking drunk you are or the level of stupidity you are achieving today right next to a picture of the sweet innocent face of a 5 year old. The internet has the possibility of keeping this shit around for the rest of time. And associating your drunken fuckfest that leads to the spawning of another child with the face of your previous spawn will lead to First Spawn needing more time at the shrink. Trust me, kids can count, they will figure out that Brother Billy was born 9 months after that posting.
Ok so you wanna show off your new car (or insert any other piece of property.) We get it. We all like to show off. We are all greedy materialistic bastards at heart. It is part of being human. But fuck, there are limits to this douchebaggery. Posting up a pic of your car, cool, neat, got it. But fucking setting it as your profile pic, jebus christoff, that takes some real douchedom. Also, included in this category is having a pic showing off money, jewelry, or a new body part (natural or fake) without the face showing. You are just being a vain piece of shit.
Something that has been happening more and more is this bullshit of changing your profile pic to your mom, dad or someone else you admire/respect. Yes we know you love your mama (she didn’t have facebook to sully your image at the age of 5.) But again, this is like having your kids as your pic. We don’t know what the fuck your mom looked like at 20 (there is one exception to this rule, was your mom hot at 20, if so, then thank you and keep adding more pictures.) So we have zero clue who it is and your homage is really lost. You wanna fucking honor your mom? Call her up and tell her you love her again out of the blue on some Thursday. How about sending her boutique of daisies with a card saying “do you remember when I was gone for those couple hours at 9 yrs old that had you freaked out, well I time traveled and just told myself to send you flowers.” Has she passed away? Go clean her gravesite, lay on the grass next to her stone, look at the blue sky and smile at the good memories. But again, you are not your mom and there are better fucking ways to say I love you than changing your profile pic and confusing everyone else. This goes for dads, other family members, members of the armed forces or others in the line of peril. There is one time that it is allowed to break this rule, when this someone was recently lost. We aren’t heartless bastards. We can allow the time to grieve.
Ok, yes yes, you love your spouse. How lovely your marriage and all that shit is. But fuck a duck, you know what is fucking aggravating to no end? When you want to send a message or similar to your friend and you can’t fucking tell if it is him or her from a quick look to the pic. You see both of them in the pic. You want to be more annoying, make sure that your spouse is more of the focus of the picture. You want to step once more for beyond plunger handle up your ass annoying? You and your spouse use the same pic. Fuck me the only thing more scary in this world is when you and your spouse wear matching track suits out to breakfast on Saturday mornings.
Now remember these fucking rules. We will be doing everything possible to make sure that they are punishable by breaking of fingers once the licenses are issued.
